Shore Throat News: Fall Begins

The breezes coming in from the ocean carry that old familiar hint of things to come, even though daytime temperatures remain in the upper 70's-80's all of this week. It is as if Autumn is calling out to Summer, waving her hand, saying "Hey! I can see you from here!" Summer turns his back, grumbling. Ignoring.

The kids are back in school, so use a little extra caution when driving in the hours before school and between the hours of 2:00-3:30 pm when school lets out. As an extra precaution, you may wish to avoid the driving anywhere near South Bay High School during the same hours. Students supplied with new drivers licenses and learners permits will be armed with rolling weapons. Between the release of hormones and their dire need to get away from the school...well accidents are bound to happen.

The first high school foot ball game of the year will be an away game. The South Bay "Tuna-Nators" take on the Tillamook "Cheese Makers" friday night September 23rd at 7:00pm.

And as usual at this time of year, the UN.D.I.E.S organization is beginning it's planning meetings in preparation for the season of events and activities. On the agenda for the October 4th meeting is to discuss the venues for this years Fall Harvest Festival, the Turkey Gobbler-O-Rama Auction, and the annual Nativity scene site.

AREA HOUSES OF WORSHIP

PROVIDED BY

U.N.D.I.E.S (UNified Diversity In Evangelical Services) 

The Unified Diversity In Evangelical Services (U.N.D.I.E.S.) is a local organization representing the cooperative activities between all three of Canker Shores Churches:

One Way Baptist Church.
Stoically serving the town of Canker Shores since 1892.
(It is the opinion of this writer that One Way is the appropriate name for this body of believers, as they continue to hold service and activities in the same way as they have for the last 112 years, since the church's humble beginnings in the living room of Elder Simon Bledsoe. To the casual attendee, it would appear that the church's unspoken creed is, "We've never done it that way before, so why change now?")

Our Lady of Absolute Absolution.
Boasting a 24 hour confessional open 12 - 2pm daily, Mon-Fri.
On a seperate note:
The Boy Scout Troop, which formerly met at the Catholic Church, is now meeting in the Recreation Therapy Hall adjacent to the Healing Hearts counseling center.

Ton-o-Tongues Pentacostal Church.
Note: To the pranksters who re-arranged the letters in last weeks "Bar-B-Q Potluck" sign to read "Pre-K Boat Club," stop it. You caused an unnecessary amount of confusion for the
MOPS group. You, who know who you are, should be aware that we (the TRULY spirit filled)
are going to pray for Conviction of Sin, and your subsequent Chatisement.

U.N.D.I.E.S will meet on Tuesday nights, in the Bingo room at Our Lady of Absolute Absolution, beginning Oct 4th, at 7:00pm to discuss the upcoming Fall Harvest Festival, Turkey Gobbler-ama Auction, and the annual Nativity scene site.

Shore Throat News : Area Newsboy Banned from Multi-Plex Theater

  Jim "Zimmy" Zimmerman, reporter

A local newsboy was banned from the Canker Shores Multi-Plex during last nights premiere showing of Steven Spielberg's, JAWS.
The movie was brought to a sudden halt at the
request of facility manager Lester Carbuncle. It seems that Multi-Plex ushers spotted local newspaper boy, Mordie Shankel, consuming food that was clearly smuggled into the Multi-Plex.

"The Multi-Plex's policy is quite clear on this", said Mr. Carbuncle.
"The only food items allowed here,
are those purchased at the snackbar", he went on to say.

When we asked the manager of the single screen facility why the movie was halted, He responded: "Well, after we finally got Mr. Shankel to leave the theater it took some time to extinguish the charcoal in the Hibachi, and then we had to open all the doors to clear out the smoke."

Mr. Shankel is now banned from the Multi-Plex for one year.

Mr. Carbuncle did inform us:
"Next week the Multi-Plex will be premiering a film by George Lucas called, *Star Wars*. And, we invite everyone to come and check it out!"

(Editors note: this article was lost for a number of years, 2005 to be exact. It was written by our own Jim "Zimmy" Zimmerman, aka Aquila, who passed away in 2006. Due to it's antiquated news-worthiness and mostly its sentimental value, it is being published in remembrance.)

Shore Throat News: Citizen Spotlight. Feb 22, 2011

Citizen Spotlight: Amanda Pine

Amanda Pine is a relative newcomer to Canker Shores, and currently resides in an apt overlooking South Bay, with her two cats, Ramone and Elbow.
When Amanda is not busy painting abstracts in her apt, she can be found over at Scabby's bakery where she works part time as a counter clerk.
In the 5 short years that Amanda has been in Canker Shores, she has been the undefeated winner of the Mordicia Shankelmaier Klutsy Citizen Award annually.
Originally from the Mid West, Amanda finds the lifestyle in Canker Shores is not so different from that of the small prairie town she hails from.
"Well the smells are different," she says. "Back home, there might be dust in the air, or in the summer you can smell the hay when everybody's cutting and baling. Living where I do now, I can smell the fish processing plant and sometimes the ocean, but mostly the processing plant. Still, every place has it's own smell, and at least here it doesn't smell like Mr. Avidssons Dairy. I like it here. And so do my cats."

When asked about rumours regarding her not-so-secret admirer, Mordie Shankel, she blushed and responded, "Who?"

Shore Throat News: Editor Observation. Tuesday November 16, 2011

Editor Observation: Mordie Gets Walkie-Talkies

Mordie always wanted a set of his own real walkie talkies, ever since he was a child.
Last Tuesday, Mordie was delivering the stacks of bulk newspapers to the businesses in the downtown area, when he saw that the Radio Shack was having a 75% off sale of discontinued items. He paused to pick through the items in the bin, turnd over one oddly shaped package to discover a picture of a walkie talke on the front. He took it in and asked Rod if he would hold it until tomorrow for him. Mordie went back the next day and payed for his merchandise. Mordie went down the block, turned right on Cannery street and proceeded to gleefully tear open the package, discarding the remnants in a nearby garbage can. He clicked on the knob and listend to the sweet readiness of static in his ear. He grabbed the front of his paper cart with one hand and with the other he held the walkie talkie to his ear, listening for another voice.

In his exitement, Mordie made two important mistakes.
The first is that he neglected to examine the packaging further. Had he done so, he would have seen a second walkie talkie unit nestled in its styrofoam cradle beneath the instruction booklet.

The second mistake was that the receptacle he carelessly chose to discard the presumed trash in was the Missionary Barrel out back of the One Way Baptist Church.

Shore Throat News: Dockside Clash Soils Mascot

Tuesday, October 12, 2007

Dockside Clash Soils Mascot

A disturbance was reported down at one of the Fish Processing Plants in the South Bay area of Canker Shores this week.
Apparently a clash between protesters from the Save The Coelaacanth Foundation and plant workers broke out, resulting in the damage of The Foundation's Mascot, "Celia-the-Coelaacanth."
Group Founder, Celia Canthon was engaged in the deployment of the Foundations Mascot in front of the Pier 3 processing facility, passing out educational literature and "challenging" dock workers to go on strike in order to force the plants to return to processing less endangered species of fish. Ms. Canthon positioned her ample mascot at the entrance to the plant, effectively barring the way for employees to enter. Eye witnesses report that she was vocipherously demanding that employees go back home or pick up a sign and join her, while wedged firmly in the entrance. Witnesses also commented that, after some hastily uttered remarks and resulting cat-calls, three workers came forward to lift Ms. Canthon up and set her down beside the entrance. Ms. Canthon lost her footing and slipped from the dock, into the frigid, October water of South Bay, which is where the processing plant releases it's waste by-products. Ms. Canthon was pulled from the gurry-laden waters unharmed, but it appears that the Save The Coelaacanth Foundations Mascot has received a burial at sea.

Shore Throat News, CITIZEN SPOTLIGHT

Wednesday, October 06, 2007

Citizen Spotlight: Mordie Shankel

Mordie is the town paper boy and has been for 23 years.
As an 8 year old entrepreneur, Mordie took it upon himself to organise and carry out the town paper route, using a shopping cart that he rented from the IGA for 10 cents a week. He is still diligently pursuing this career at the age of 31, and he now owns his shopping cart outright. Mordie also operates the town's only snow blower. Each year he runs an ad all winter long, for his snow removal service. While Canker Shores is not given to frequent (or any) snowstorms, Mordie believes that it's always best to be prepared.
Mordie resides with his mother, Alma.